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Title: Firewhiskey
Author: Dee (deirdre.riordan @ gmail.com)
Pairing: RL/SB
Rating: R
Disclaimer: *sigh* Of course they're JKR's, not mine.
Summary: Forget the liquor. When Sirius Black is stuck in your fireplace and shouting obscenities at you, clearly you've got bigger things to worry about.
Notes: Written for tamony_lenore on lj, whose second request was Sirius/Remus and chocolate. If I had this to do over, I'd probably write Remus as a little stronger, but oh well. It works.

 Better than Chocolate

Remus was alone the next morning, as was customary. He hated it. He hated that he let himself be used this way. Moreover, he hated that he always settled for it, ultimately rationalising these drunken trysts as better than nothing. Taking what he could get, because he couldn't bear to refuse Sirius anything.

Today was going to be worse than most mornings-after. Today they'd all been invited to James's parents' house for lunch. Acting like nothing had happened was easy. He'd done it a million times. Acting enthusiastic and happy, that was a different thing entirely.

Lunch was a strained affair. Remus's laughs were hollow and Sirius wouldn't meet his eyes. James kept shooting them concerned glances. Finally he cornered Remus in the kitchen.

"I don't want to talk about it," Remus said before James could even get a word out.

James fixed him with a steady gaze. "Well, then, do a better job of hiding it, whatever it is. You've been positively morose all day. At least twice a week since school ended, in fact."

"Why don't you ask Sirius about it," Remus spat before storming out of the house.

He Apparated home, regretting what he'd said to James. He'd probably put two and two together very soon. And Sirius would never touch him again. It's okay as long as we don't talk about it, right? In those moments he'd spent entwined with Sirius, Remus would have agreed to anything.

He shut the screen on the fireplace and crawled into bed. This part of the day was familiar to him. It was the part where he always got angry, just before Sirius showed up with apologies. But he wasn't going to let Sirius apologise this time. He wasn't. He was through with this. If it lost him the few friends he'd ever had, then so be it. But he couldn't take it anymore--being used, always having to take less. He fell asleep, tears stinging his eyes.

It was dark when a loud crash woke him. The crash was followed by some banging, then a long string of obscenities delivered by a voice that sent his heart into his throat. "REMUS!" Sirius shouted, banging on the floo screen.

No. He wouldn't. He wasn't going to break this time. "Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"I can't! I'm stuck in your fucking fireplace!"

"Fine! You can die in there for all I care!" he shot back, slamming his bedroom door so hard it splintered along the hinges.

There was silence for a moment, and Remus moved back toward his bed, trying desperately to ignore the situation.

The silence didn't last. "REMUS JOHN LUPIN, IF YOU DON'T LET ME OUT OF THIS BLOODY FUCKING FIREPLACE RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING TO BLOW UP THIS ENTIRE HOUSE!" Sirius bellowed.

Remus was chilled to hear the tone Sirius usually reserved for Snape directed at him. It was enough to prompt him to do as he was told and open the screen. Sirius tumbled out onto the hearth. His face was still red from shouting. He also had a black eye and a split lip. Yes, James had figured it out.

Sirius hurled something he'd been holding onto the couch, but Remus didn't have a chance to see what it was. "What the fuck, Moony?" he said, clearly enraged. "You could have killed me!"

"Don't 'Moony' me," Remus said, his voice trembling with a rage that frightened him. "I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you. I only let you in so you wouldn't blow up my flat. Now get out." And god, it hurt to say those words.

Sirius folded his arms. "No, I don't think I will."

"Why?" Remus spat, refusing to allow himself to stand down, despite the fact that all he wanted to do at this point was cry. "Because if James finds out you've left here without grovelling properly, he'll blacken your other eye? Is that it? I'll save you both the trouble and do it myself if you'd like."

Sirius sighed. "If it'll make you feel better," he said, his tone strangely quiet.

Remus blinked at him in surprise. "Is that what this is about? Making me feel better so you can feel like less of a bastard?"

Sirius ran his hand through his hair. A nervous habit, Remus knew. "It's about making you feel better, yes. As for my bastard status, I'm afraid it's permanent."

"All right! Voilà! I feel better! You're still a prick! You can go now!"

"Remus..."

"Fuck you, Sirius," he said, fighting for composure and losing. "How do you suppose I've felt the past month? How do you think I feel when you show up here rat-arsed twice a week, suck me off and refuse to kiss me? How do you think I like knowing that you just use me whenever you feel like it, that you take advantage of the fact that I'd burn down the whole fucking world just to be next to you for five minutes?" Angry tears were streaming down his face now, and he couldn't stop them, no matter how savagely he wiped them away. "I can't do it anymore," he said hoarsely. Sirius reached out to touch his arm, but Remus slapped his hand away.

Sirius looked hurt. It didn't satisfy Remus like he'd thought it would. "Will you just sit down and talk to me?"

"Like I always sit down and talk to you? When you tell me that sleeping with me was a mistake?"

"No," Sirius said, barely above a whisper.

Remus let himself be pulled over to the couch, and he sat down.

"Look," Sirius said. "I won't make excuses. I know I don't deserve to be excused. I've known that for a long time. But...dammit, Remus, it was all I knew how to do. I'm no good with emotions and feelings. And...and the way I feel about you, it scares me. It scares the shit out of me, because it's nothing I can put words to. I don't know what to do about it. So I'm a prick instead."

Remus couldn't quite process what he was hearing. It was too surreal. It was too close to what he'd always wanted to hear. There had to be a catch. "Why didn't you say anything to me?"

"I've just told you, I was scared. I'm still scared."

"What did James do that's making you say it now?"

"Other than hit me a few times? He said...he said I'd have to be completely braindead to pass up someone who's so perfect for me," Sirius said, his voice dwindling to a whisper toward the end of his sentence.

Remus felt a different sort of tears coming to his eyes now. By some tacit agreement, they moved toward each other, and Remus fell into Sirius's arms. "What's the catch?" Remus finally said.

"You never get to laugh at me for having brought you chocolates," Sirius murmured into his hair.

"Well, you didn't..."

"Yes, I did," Sirius said, reaching over to produce the parcel he'd thrown earlier and handing it to him. "They might be a bit melted by now, though."

Remus gaped. These were his favourite. "Sirius, you can only get these in Paris."

"Where do you think I got them?"

The image of Sirius walking into a Parisian chocolatier with a black eye and demanding their finest assortment made Remus laugh.

"I said you didn't get to laugh!"

"I'm only laughing at what the poor Parisians must have thought," he said, opening the box. The chocolates were a bit melted due to the heat outside and the abuse they'd taken, but Remus didn't hesitate to pick one out and devour it. He was about to lick the chocolate from his fingertips but Sirius caught his hand and brought it to his own mouth, slowly sucking one finger after another, even the ones that didn't have chocolate on them. Remus moaned unabashedly and closed his eyes. He immediately felt a warm hand over the bulge in his jeans, but he pushed it away and turned to face Sirius full-on.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.

"Just...just kiss me, please," he said, trying to keep his voice from breaking.

Sirius smiled and gently pushed Remus's hair back from his face before leaning down to capture his lips in a gentle kiss. "You taste like chocolate," he said, gliding one finger up the side of Remus's cheek.

"You taste better," Remus said, kissing him again. For what seemed like hours, they sat motionless, just slowly exploring each other's mouths, until soft sighs of contentment gave way to ragged breaths and moans and fingernails on skin. Remus arched his back, grinding their erections together.

Sirius made a sound that was some combination of a gasp and a moan. "Do you want to--"

Remus shook his head before he could finish, already feeling bereft at the loss of contact with those precious lips. "Just keep kissing me," he said.


~~fin~~


© 2004-2005 by Deirdre Riordan. Contact me at deirdre.riordan @ gmail . com (remove spaces).

 

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