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logo by saridout
Author: Deirdre Riordan (originally as Ketsu Rei)
Title: My Own Worst Enemy
Series: TOS - AU
Rating: NC-17
Codes: K/S, first time
Comment: Takes place during “The Enemy Within.” KSOF 2002 first line challenge.
Warning: Contains graphic m/m sex and some violence
Disclaimer: Paraborg owns Star Trek and these characters. I don’t. No infringement intended. I couldn’t make any money off this if I tried. Please don’t sue me. I’m just a broke college student. This story is, however, my property.

This appears pretty much exactly as published in 2002. Some of the words somehow got eaten up in the coding, but I've restored them to the best of my abilities.
All comments and questions to deirdre.riordan @ gmail.com (remove spaces). Feedback appreciated.


My Own Worst Enemy


Spock’s fingers dug into the sensitive flesh of Jim’s shoulder, and his world went instantly black. He woke up restrained in Sick Bay again. He had to get out of that bed. He had to take command from that pansy-ass impostor or duplicate or whatever the hell he was. Then he’d execute all those mutinous bastards and convert Starfleet into a war machine. He had to do it fast. He could feel his physical strength weakening. He knew they wouldn’t--couldn’t kill him. If that happened the duplicate would die too. His hands trembled in the restraints. He was scared to death. The other Jim wanted to put them back together. No! He couldn’t have that. Couldn’t have all that weakness and indecision put back into him. Somehow he had to win Spock to his side. Spock. He just wanted to throw him on the ground and fuck his brains out. He was sure that the weak half had kept him from doing it. He couldn’t have that beautiful Vulcan ass held back from him any longer.

Spock stood on the transporter pad, staring up. He was almost positive that some of the mysterious yellow dust had gotten onto one of the nodes and caused the malfunction. He reached up to remove one and inspect it and suddenly felt himself being transported.

“MR. SCOTT!” he shouted.

Scotty raced from the panel he was working on to cut the power, but it was too late. Spock was gone. If he pulled him back, he’d surely be duplicated. But if he didn’t…. his atoms would begin to scatter, and Spock would seek to exist. Well, there was no choice. Two Spocks were better than none. He pulled Spock back, and sure enough, there were two identical Vulcans standing on the transporter pad.

One of them sank to his knees and began to cry. The other stood there, steel-faced. Scotty stood gaping at both of them.

“Mr. Spock! Ye’ve been duplica’ed!”

 “I am well aware of that fact, Engineer. However, I  believe that my case is different from the Captain’s.  My duplicate is no danger to anyone. He is merely…  human.”

 “So ye got split inta human an’ Vulcan instead of good  an’ evil? Why?”

 “Whatever the malfunction is that causes the  duplication, it seems to depend on a psychological  dichotomy. While I may have a good and an evil side,  the division within me between human and Vulcan is  more prevalent. It is completely logical.”

 “If ye say so. But…. what are we gonna do wi’ him?”

 “I will escort him to his-- my-- our quarters. I do not believe he will have any trouble staying there until this situation is resolved. I reiterate that he is not dangerous, but he is also of little use. Continue your repairs, Engineer. I shall return shortly.”

 Spock coaxed the sobbing duplicate to his feet. He found that he rather abhorred this weak and emotional man. *This* was within him? How strange. This was what he had wished for as a child, to get the human out of him. He felt the cruelty of his own logic as he realised he could not live without this part of himself. He would eventually have to take him back. But for now he was… free.

 “Where are we going?” the duplicate asked. “What are you going to do with me?”

 “You will remain in quarters until the malfunction is resolved. It is imperative that you stay there. It will do no good to the crew to see the side of me that you embody.”

 The duplicate did not even seem to be listening. “Jim. Where’s Jim?”

 “At the moment, *Captain Kirk* is in no danger. His violent duplicate is restrained. But if Mr. Scott and I do not repair the transporter soon, he will lose his ability to command.”

 “No, he can’t! That’s what he fears the most! My poor, beautiful Jim!” The duplicate was driven into new fits of tears.

 Spock could not help asking something he had long wondered and suspected. “You love him, don’t you?”

 “Yes. God, how I love him. More than anything. But--” he began to cry harder, “--he’d never want me. I’m too ugly. That’s what you taught me.”

 Spock gripped the other Spock’s shoulders. “Listen to me. I know that you have never had to control your emotions before because I have done it for you. But it is imperative that you do so now. For the sake of the ship, the crew, yourself, and the Captain, YOU MUST CONTROL YOURSELF. You must stay here until I come for you, and you must not speak to anyone, especially the Captain. Do not answer the comm, and do not use it to contact anyone. Go to sleep or read a book. Distract yourself until this is over. It will not be long. You must have something of my strength left. Find it. Use it.”

 The duplicate nodded meekly, still in tears. “Why? Why do you keep me from him? I love him so much. Just to kiss him once, even if he hated me and ordered me off his ship, that would be enough to last me forever.”

 “I know. But you must try to see logic here. A friendship is better than nothing. You-- I-- we-- are closer to the Captain than to anyone else. Do not throw that away for a moment of pleasure. If he desires you, he will eventually make an advance. Wait for that. Hope for that. But do not lose the only friend you have ever had.”

 Spock’s duplicate left him sobbing on the bed. Damn that logic! Love wasn’t logical! Any fool knew that! And acting logically in an illogical matter was, well, illogical. Therefore his other half was being illogical and was therefore wrong. If there was one thing he had that the other Spock didn’t, it was human intuition, which often defied and triumphed over logic. And his intuition told him to seize the opportunity. He might never again have another chance at this unencumbered by Vulcan controls.

 He wiped the tears from his face and tried to pull himself together. He had to make sure that he got the right Jim. If by chance he accidentally made an advance on Jim’s evil duplicate, he would certainly be killed. That shouldn’t be too hard. He knew the impostor had scratches on his face and was wearing a standard gold tunic, not a green one. But he couldn’t leave the cabin. All he could do was hope that Jim was in his quarters.

 He hit the comm button. “Kirk here,” said a tired-sounding voice. Success!

 He tried to sound Vulcan and businesslike. “Captain, I have made an important discovery. Please come to my quarters as soon as possible.”

 “Coming now. Kirk out.”

 Spock quickly stripped off his uniform tunic. He knew he was much more attractive in the black undershirt that showed off his muscles. The Vulcan Spock would never have noticed or cared, but he did.

 Jim came through the door. His face immediately registered surprise at seeing Spock out of uniform, but he said nothing about it. “Spock. What’s this important discovery?”

 Spock closed the gap between them so that their bodies were just inches apart. He took a deep breath. “I love you.”

 He had expected Jim to recoil, to look disgusted, to have to plead and beg for the single kiss that could sustain him forever. But he did not. Instead he watched Jim’s eyes fill with wonder and felt Jim’s hands on his cheeks.

 “Spock… I never thought you would. I never thought you could. I’ve… I’ve loved you for so long.

 Their lips found each other and Spock was sure he had gone to heaven.



 Spock decided he had better check on his human half. He excused himself from the transporter repairs once again and strode briskly toward his quarters. Although he had no direct mental contact with his duplicate, he could sense that something strange was happening. He feared that the human Spock might be trying to kill himself out of despairing one-sided love for the Captain. Despite the fact that his emotional control was greatly heightened without his human half, he still felt a small pang of longing at the thought of the Captain. He cursed the human half for the mental damage it had done  him--- he shouldn’t be able to feel this. But apparently not quite all of the human had gone out of him, because he was still able to love.

 He met Captain Kirk in the corridor.

 “Captain!” Why are you not on the bridge?”

 “I’m going back there now. I had to check on the duplicate, make sure he wasn’t causing trouble. He’s sedated.”

 “That is well. Captain, I must tell you, a situation has arisen that you should----”

 Before he could finish his sentence, Kirk had him pinned to the bulkhead.

 “Captain!”

 “Your ass is mine, you sexy little elf,” Kirk growled. He crushed Spock’s lips beneath his in a brutal, suffocating kiss.

 Spock’s mind reeled. What was happening? The Captain was kissing him! But… this was not how he had imagined it would be. He reasoned quickly that this must be the evil Kirk. Jim’s good half did not have enough power of decision or physical strength to do this. But this must mean that the Captain was attracted to him…. maybe. Perhaps the duplicate was so overcome by lust that he would have done this to the first person who walked by. He realized that without his human half’s emotions he could not reason which theory was correct. But in any case… This was wrong. He managed to free one of his hands and pinch the duplicate’s neck. Now that he was unconscious, he looked as placid and boyish as he ever had. He lifted the limp body and carried him back to Sick Bay, where McCoy restrained him again.

 “What happened to your lip, Spock?” McCoy asked with an odd look.

 “My lip?”

 “Yeah, the one that’s bleeding.”

 Spock touched a finger to his lips. When he looked at it it was tinged green with blood. “The duplicate attacked me.”

 “What’d he do, bite you?”

 Spock turned and left without answering. He could hear McCoy laughing behind him. He refused to allow himself to think about what had just occurred. He could deal with it later. Now he had to check on his own duplicate. Then he could finish with the transporter and all this would be over. Everything would be back to normal. Normal….. Normal was where his human half wasn’t throwing the truth of his feelings in his face. Normal was where he could shut his emotions up. Normal was where the Captain didn’t kiss him and would never even think about trying.

 Spock was thoroughly astonished when he entered his quarters. His duplicate and the Captain were entwined on the bed in a tangle of naked flesh. Apparently neither of them heard him enter. Spock stood transfixed as he watched himself (but not himself) kissing and stroking Jim’s body. Both had their eyes closed. They did not speak but for the occasional moan or giggle. He had this kind of passion hidden within him? He had never thought it possible to be able to give himself over so completely to physical sensation and emotion. He had the overwhelming sense that this was not real.

 A small moan escaped Spock’s lips as he watched them both come. The pair on the bed turned their heads and froze, startled.

 Jim looked from Spock to Spock. which one was really Spock? Then it hit him. Spock had somehow been duplicated too. Only one half of Spock loved him. Once Spock got put back together, all this would be gone.

 “I told you not to do this,” said the Spock standing in the doorway. “This half of the Captain has no ability to make decisions. He had no power to resist you. You have taken advantage of him.”

 “I have not! He wanted this as much as I did! As much as *you* did!”

 “What little power of decision this man had is restrained in Sick Bay. Had he been whole, this could never have happened. You would have been rejected. And when he is whole again, you *will* be rejected. Your impetuous illogic and lust have just cost you your best friend. The Captain cannot love you. You *must* see that.”

 “I don’t even care! This was my only chance! You would never have allowed it! You’re too damned logical to understand love and desire! You just think love is one more emotion that has to be squelched! And you know what? I don’t *want* us to be put back together! I’d rather die than live like that again!”

 Jim watched in awe as the two halves of Spock argued. He had the sense that he was witnessing what went on inside Spock’s head on a daily basis. But he knew that the Vulcan half of Spock could not, would not love him.

 He mustered what little strength of will he had left. “I don’t know about the problems you two have with each other, but you’re wrong about me!” He felt that he should be yelling these words in an impassioned tone, but somehow he could not. “If I know one thing, Spock, it’s that I love you, both halves of you, with my whole heart and soul, with both halves of myself. If I ever get put back together, I’m going to feel the same way, only more strongly.” He addressed the Vulcan Spock. “It’s not illogical to let yourself be loved. Please, when we’re both back to normal, don’t forget that.”

 Two Spocks and two one Kirk (the evil one being unconscious) as the dog was put back together. Kirk’s eyes filled with horror when McCoy pronounced it dead. Would they both die too? But it was the only way they even had a chance to live.

 “Doctor, Mr. Scott, will you excuse us for a moment?” said the human Spock quietly.

 McCoy and Scotty looked a little bewildered, but they left the room.

 “Spock?”

 “In case this doesn’t work.... I wanted to at least kiss you goodbye,” he said with tears in his eyes. He cupped Jim’s face in his hands and kissed him softly.

 Then he walked to the door. “We’re ready now.”

 They stepped onto the transporter. Kirk could feel himself trembling a little. He knew Spock would make it. But he might not. But at least he wasn’t going to die without Spock knowing how he felt.

 He felt the tingle of dematerialization, and saw nothing for a moment. Then he saw Bones and Scotty. He looked next to him and there was Spock. Spock! Oh, God. He realised with horror what the evil half of him had done to Spock. But Spock was here, and alive! He could not resist the urge to throw his arms around him.

 “Captain, please,” Spock muttered.

 He remembered where he was. “Sorry. Just glad we both made it.”

 He suddenly remembered the landing party. “Get those men up here!”

 All was quiet again as the Enterprise continued toward her next assignment. Spock sat in his quarters, working on science logs and pondering what had occurred. He found that he carried his human duplicate’s memories as well as his own. He has been both tenderly caressed and brutally pinned to the wall by the Captain. It became more difficult every minute to repress the overwhelming love his human half felt. And he knew that some of it lay in his Vulcan half. Yes, he did love Jim. There was little chance of him ever loving anyone else. But would Jim want him as a bondmate? He knew Jim Kirk’s relationships—they were short-lived and frequent. Would Jim even want him at all now that he might not be able to surrender so wholly as he had before? He could content himself forever with the memory of that one time, turning it over in his mind and reliving the feeling of Jim’s skin against his. The question was whether he could have more. Even if he were to be ultimately thrown over for some vixen, anything he could get he would take. Perhaps Jim would come back to him between women. Even that would be more than he had ever dared hope for. He had never *needed* anyone before, but he needed Jim. He decided he would accept anything Jim was willing to give him, and not press him for more than that.

 Jim was in a similar state, but a much more despairing one. He could not shake the memory of the way his evil half had assaulted Spock. Would Spock forgive him? Even more uncertain was whether Spock would allow his human emotions enough free reign to love him. Was his Vulcan half too strong? He wanted Spock, and no one but Spock ever again. But even if Spock were willing, what would his family think? Would they allow their son to consort with a human? And Starfleet! Oh, screw Starfleet. If he could have Spock, Starfleet could go to hell. He had a pounding headache. He wondered if he should go talk to Spock.

 As if on cue, the door buzzed.

 “Come,” he said, trying to steady his voice. He couldn’t believe how nervous he was.

 Spock entered and sat down across the desk from him.

 “Spock. I was just thinking about you.” Stupid thing to say!

 Spock quirked an eyebrow and Jim’s heart skipped a beat. “I believe we should discuss the events of the past five point four hours.”

 “Yes, I think so too. Spock... first I should apologise for what my evil duplicate did to you.”

 “I do not blame you. I know that you could not control him.”

 “That’s good. And about what my other half did...”

 “Yes, I should also apologise for my human half’s conduct. He blatantly disregarded my orders and took advantage of you.”

 “Spock, no he didn’t. I wanted that. I meant every last word I said….. Especially the part about you being a sexy elf.”

 Spock turned a little more green than usual.

 He grasped Spock’s hand across the table. “Spock, please. Can you just turn down the control a little bit and let me love you?”

 Spock nodded. “I will accept whatever you have to offer. But I will not force you to be bound to me. I realize it would be difficult for you to give up women.”

 Was he crazy? “Give up women?! Spock, I gave up women the second I kissed you. They were just a distraction, an outlet for my frustration. I’ve never wanted anyone but you. Even before I knew you, I wanted you.”

 “How is that possible?”

 “I saw you around at the Academy. You never noticed me but I thought you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.”

 “You are mistaken.”

 “How? I know how I felt.”

 “I do not question that. I merely meant that I did notice you. When I learned that you were to be captain of the Enterprise, I requested to stay aboard. At the time I allowed myself to believe that it was because I thought you would be a good captain, but now I realize it was because I wished to be near you.”

 “You see, Spock, we’ve always had a connection. We were meant to be together, so there’s no use in fighting it.”

 “I have no wish to fight it. But you must realize that nonetheless, it will be difficult for me to succumb to emotion, and understand that I am far less experienced than you in… physical matters. I do not remember much of what my duplicate did when you were… together, only how it felt.”

 Jim locked his gaze with Spock’s. He wanted to drown in those eyes. He came around the table and stood in front of Spock, never breaking eye contact. “I believe we can do something about that.” He ran one finger gently down Spock’s burning cheek and back up to the tip of his ear.

 Spock closed his eyes.

 Jim smiled. “You like that?”

 Spock gave a vague nod.

 Jim sat down, straddling Spock’s lap, slowly licking around the outside of his ear. Spock moaned and spread his legs a little. Jim could feel Spock’s erection pressing into his own.

 “I didn’t know those hears were good for more that just looking pretty,” he whispered.

 “They are… highly sensitive,” Spock muttered.

 “I can see that.”

 Spock pushed his hands up underneath Jim’s shirt, relishing the feel of the cool skin beneath his palms. He could scarcely believe what was happening. The one person he had ever truly desired was in his arms. Every touch and every kiss brought a new feeling. The memory of everything his duplicate had done with Jim came flooding back to him. The thought alone of being touched that way again drove him to the brink of orgasm. He gripped Jim's ass and stood up, throwing them both on the bed.

 He sat up and ripped Jim’s shirt off without giving him time to protest. He moved down and gave Jim’s pants the same treatment, removing his boots with the other hand. He was only a little surprised to find that Jim wasn’t wearing underwear. He sat back to take in the sight of his lover, all pink and golden.

 “You are beautiful,” he whispered hoarsely.

 “So are you,” Jim said with the playful tone Spock has come to know so well, “But there is one problem.”

 “Problem?”

 “You have entirely too many clothes on.”

 “Would you like me to remove them?”

 “Oh, I think I can handle it.”

 Spock allowed himself to be flipped around by the weaker man and slowly undressed. Jim brushed his lips lightly over Spock’s ears, then down his neck to his chest. He paused to kiss the two olive nipples until Spock moaned, and then continued down his stomach to the throbbing green cock, already glistening with fluid. He teased it a bit, kissing and pulling back until Spock could stand it no longer and grabbed Jim’s head, forcing him to take the whole member into his mouth.

 He dug his nails into Jim’s shoulders, desperately trying not to come yet. He wanted the sensation to last forever. The scratching seemed to arouse him further because he began to suck harder. He lifted Spock’s ass slightly and gently inserted one finger, then two. Spock writhed beneath him, thrusting into his mouth and contracting his muscles around the fingers inside him.

 Spock came in a seemingly endless torrent of hot, spicy liquid. Jim relished every drop. He nearly came himself seeing Spock in such throes of ecstasy.

 Jim lay back on the pillow next to Spock. “I like that I can make you do that.” He looked at Spock, who wore his version of a smile.

 “Spock, I know we weren’t melded, but I could almost feel it when you came. That means it’ll be easier for us to bond, right?”

 Spock was at once surprised and elated. He had hoped Jim would want to bond with him, but he had never thought it would be so soon. “Yes, our minds are already attuned, so if we chose to bond, that would facilitate the process.”

 “If? What, you don’t want to?” Jim looked like a little boy who’d just lost his teddy bear.

 Spock pulled him into his arms. “I do wish to. but you must be certain that it is what you want as well. A marriage bond is not to be taken lightly. Vulcan bonds can only be broken in extreme cases. All the ones I have heard of involved death. I do not want to force you into an agreement that will ultimately make you unhappy.”

 “Spock! Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? You make me happy! I want to be permanently bonded to you!” His eyes were tearing. “Spock, you’re the part of me that’s been missing all my life. We know from today’s events that half a man cannot live. Please don’t say you won’t bond with me. I think now it’d kill me.”

 “Jim, I am not protesting. I merely wished to be certain that you knew what you wanted.”

 “Spock, I’m certain. We don’t have to bond right this minute, but I want to soon. I can’t fathom anything that would make me change my mind.”

 Spock pulled him closer and laid a hand on Jim’s still-hard cock, which hardened even more from the hot hand on it. “What do you propose to do about that, Commander?” he murmured into Spock’s ear?”

 “I believe that the best solution in this situation would be for you to…. I believe the colloquial term is… fuck me.”

 Jim could not believe the effect hearing those words from Spock’s ears had on him. “Spock… say that again,” he moaned.

 “Fuck me,” Spock said again in a low, velvety tone.”

 Jim spread Spock’s legs and licked down over his cock and balls. He loved the scent of them, somewhere between cinnamon and copper.

 “You taste so good,” he breathed, moving down to his ass to tongue the opening. Spock moaned and rocked his hips, which forced Jim’s tongue slightly inside him. He took Spock’s cock in one hand and fingered him with the other. When Spock came he smeared the greenish liquid over his own cock. He spread Spock’s legs wider and thrust himself inside. He buried himself in the moist hotness, finding a new crest of pleasure with each muscle contraction.

 “Ohhh…. Jim…” Spock moaned, his eyes closed. He locked his legs around Jim’s back, impaling himself deeper. He had never known such intense pleasure. Jim took hold of his cock again, driving him even higher.

 “Spock…” Jim said, gasping for breath, “I want to meld with you.”

 “It will… bond us…”

 “That’s what I want.

Spock reached for Jim’s face. There was blackness for a moment, and then Jim found himself in a sea of blue and silver ecstasy. He could feel himself fucking and being fucked, Spock’s pleasure as well as his own. As Spock’s pleasure heightened so did his, until they both came. Two orgasms at once were too much for Jim, and he passed out.

When he woke up he found Spock asleep beneath him. Spock awoke almost immediately and Jim discovered that they were still melded.

//wow// //I take it you found the experience pleasing// //yes god you’re beautiful... are we bonded now?// //Yes... my t’hy’la...// //never heard that word but I know it// //You saw the meaning// //Yes... t’hy’la// //We should come out of this meld so you can rest// //Just a little longer I love your mind// //You will be in it always//

Jim moved off of Spock. They lay in each other’s arms, exploring two minds that were now one. Spock had thought the disorder of a human mind would bother him, but he decided he found it pleasing to know a consciousness so different from his own.

//Good, because you’re stuck with me// A wave of mental laughter from Jim rippled through Spock’s mind.

Slowly and reluctantly, they pulled out of the meld, unraveling it along the thread of their newly formed bond. Jim was pleased to find that when it was all done, Spock was still there in his mind. They could never be separated now.

“Parted from me, but never parted...” Jim murmured sleepily.

“Never and always, touching and touched...” Spock continued.

They both drifted off to sleep, dreaming the same dream.

--fin--

©2002-2004 by Ketsu Rei / Deirdre Riordan. All rights reserved.

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